In any significant relationship, differences are inevitable, for no two people have exactly the same interests, ideas, expectations or timetables. The question is not whether you have conflict in your life, but how you handle it that makes a difference.
that feed conflict are:
All conflict is an opportunity for growth through learning more about us. When our beliefs are challenged and we are forced to defend them, we grow intellectually. When we learn to resolve disputes, we grow socially. And as relationships become so intimate that innermost thoughts and feelings are exposed, we grow emotionally.
WHAT'S THE REAL CONFLICT?
Many conflicts that arise in adult life are actually replays of unresolved conflicts from childhood. We seem to sense when some chapter of our developmental history has been left unfinished by an unsatisfactory parental relationship. So we may be unconsciously drawn to mates, friends or bosses who relate to us in much the same way as one of our parents. The quest to be loved, our attempts to please, or the struggle for power and control is re-enacted with new players in an attempt to "get it right" this time and resolve the old conflict.
The inevitable conflicts arise because we have chosen the same type of frustrating person that we grew up with and because we interpret their actions through the memory of our unhappy childhood experience. In such cases, the man whose mother was controlling and possessive may find himself in a constant power struggle with his wife; the woman who could never gain father's approval finds herself working for a critical, impossible-to-please boss.
These conflicts are usually very intense because all the old unresolved feelings come spilling out along with the current ones. A professional counselor can help you separate yesterday's feelings from today's. Once you deal with the old conflicts, you'll find today's much easier to resolve.
ON THE JOB
of us have been or will be put in situations at work with someone who
rubs us the wrong way because of personality clashes, different values,
tastes, objectives or views. It's unrealistic to think everyone we meet
will kike us or we'll like him or her. You can learn to work together
despite the differences if you
so many other behaviors, our response to conflict is learned in childhood.
Children learn from their parents' example how to react to conflict and
pattern their own behavior on this experience. Some common ways of dealing
with conflict are:
KIDS AND CONFLICT
who always argue behind closed doors prevent their children from seeing
how they solve problems. Seeing one parent walk away from the other one
to avoid an argument may create more anxiety for children because they
can sense the repressed
Children benefit from experiencing some degree of constructive conflict between their parents as long as there is some type of resolution or compromise, and the disagreement does not involve yelling and belittling one another. Parents who argue constructively can teach children that conflict is normal. Constructive conflict can actually strengthen a family by keeping the lines of communication open.
Parent/child conflicts are usually about control. Parents who are confident that they are in charge usually do not get drawn into power struggles. But those who are less sure may find themselves fighting to exert control over their children to prove to themselves that they can do it rather than teaching the child self-discipline and consideration for others.
Adolescents' relationships with their parents typically undergo a stressful period as they experience hormonal changes and struggle with finding their own individuality. While it's unrealistic to think you can raise children without disputes, it is important to handle the conflict in a beneficial way
EXAMPLE: You and your teenager frequently disagree, and sometimes emotions run high. Make it a rule that if either one of you raises their voice, the conversation will stop until it can be resumed in a calm manner.
Conflicts that don't get resolved in childhood tend to be played out over and over again with bosses, co-workers, friends and spouses. Also, if children don't learn from their parents how to handle conflict, they may never be able to practice or teach it as an adult to their own families.
Avoiding conflict will not make it go away; the issue could come back to haunt you. While conflict should be faced and resolved as soon as possible, there are proper times and occasions to do so. No one benefits from random expressions of hostile feelings.
emotions run high, we act differently than when we are calm. Stress increases
the flow of adrenaline and decreases the blood supply to the problem-solving
part of the brain as the blood flows to the body's extremities. Before
you discuss the conflict, reign in your emotions, and treat others with
CONFRONTING A MANIPULATOR
Some people live by their own rules with little concern for their impact on others. These toxic personalities use other people's desire for harmony to manipulate them and gain control in relationships. They are adept at pushing others just enough to get them to do what they want, but not so far that they are willing to argue.
With such people, it is often useful to deliberately create conflict. Confronting them about seemingly small discrepancies, slights or manipulations will prevent future conflict that could potentially be more unpleasant. Once they understand that you are not afraid of conflict, they'll alter their behavior and become less troublesome. By creating a little conflict, you'll actually avoid a lot of bigger ones.
HOW DO YOU HANDLE CONFLICT?